When buying a home there is a lot of paperwork that is involved and a client can feel a little pressure with being asked to provide personal information as well as duplicate copies of paperwork already sent.
One of our recent clients sent this letter into the loan processor in response to the request for more documents. Name and addresses have been changed but the humor is all there.
Hope you enjoy reading it as much as Nancy and I did:
To Whom it May Concern:
This letter is to verify the intent of Mr. and Mrs. Smith to reside at the address of 123 W. Main Street as their primary residence, should the purchase be completed on May 21.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith currently reside at 5678 W. Cedar Ave Brighton, CO.The original intent was to place this home on the market as soon as possible to sell, rolling the equity into the Main Street residence. It has now become clear that Mr. and Mrs. Smith will be spending the rest of their lives doing paperwork for the Lender team, and will in fact never be able to put their home on the market, as they have no time to prepare it for sale.
This, however, is not a problem, as they have been assured through all aforementioned paperwork that they can indeed afford to carry both homes. There is intent to sell at least one of their children on the black market to help insure that they have adequate funding for the purchase of the home. Not to worry, proper documentation, in triplicate, including proof of deposit, will be provided for the sale of said child/ren. Should this be a cash sale, the Smith’s fully intend to get six years worth of financial statements, tax returns, proof of employment, and blood type and sample from the purchasers to insure that they do indeed HAVE the money which they have already handed over.
Should Mr. and Mrs. Smith be unable to sell any of their offspring, a secondary plan is in place to remove the children from school and teach them the lucrative trade of finding, sorting printing, signing, scanning and emailing paperwork to the Lender team. Should they master this skill, as we have confidence they will, we can then re-initiate the plan of getting the current residence ready for sale. Not to worry, we will supply adequate documentation to support this plan, to include training manuals, proposed copying/scanning schedules, and soft and hard cost breakdowns, to include cookie breaks and potty breaks.
If there are any questions, please feel free to email me. Please don’t forget to attach to the email four more requests for further support of financial stability.
David Smith 4/18
Disgruntled paper shuffler